How to get laid on Valentine’s Day

In the spirit of St. Valentine’s Day, I present to you this filthy article.

You may only continue to read the rest of this article if you are at least 18 years of age or are willing to ignore this completely and are willing to just lie about your age. I mean, let’s face it, it’s the internet, you can do that and no one can stop you. But know this, sex is evil. Boobies are a one-way ticket to hell.

two-piece-devil-costume

So, lets get started, shall we…

Today, as I write this, it is Valentine’s Day. Yes, that day where every guy in a relationship gets suckered into buying shit just to get laid. Thankfully for those guys there is a broad spectrum of gifts ranging from the cheap to the expensive. In some cases, a simple cheap cardboard box of candy is enough to do the trick.

valentine box of candy

Mmmmmm…look at that…what girl could resist? ¬†Yes sir, because you just dropped $1.99 at CVS you will be doing the horizontal humpty dance tonight. ¬†Unless of course your girl is on the other end of things and will settle for nothing less than something shiny.

diamond-ring

But don’t feel bad, chances are you’re girlfriend is at least hotter than the one who went for the chocolates. ¬† So you got that going for you. ¬†Unless of course she is just more of a high maintenance bitch, then, well, sorry…

And then there are those of you who fall in between.  The ones who can get away with a nice little romantic dinner.

romantic-dinner

Girls are suckers for that kind of thing. ¬†Unless you’re a nancy-boy and they are the one wearing the pants, chances are they will fall for the romantic crap. ¬†Girls like to be romanced, even if they don’t always admit it. ¬†So go buy her some flowers.

If none of these options fits your style, you could always go with another one. ¬†Yes, break up with her at the end of January and then get back together once the silly holiday is over and done with. ¬†You won’t have to spend a dime! ¬†This tactic also works well for birthdays and holidays like Christmas. ¬†The only downside with this approach is you won’t be getting laid that night, unless you’re willing to spend the money on a hooker. ¬† And that might be more expensive than just buying the damn gift in the first place.

So, now that you have given your special lady the gift, she of course will only want more. ¬†Kind of like in “If you give a mouse a cookie”.

Unlike that story, though, it’s not a glass of milk your lady wants…

rooster

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