I never imagined I would ever find myself in such a place. I hadn’t planned on it. I just sort of stumbled upon it. I suppose you could say I was at a crossroads of sorts, although I wasn’t sure I even knew where the road was. I was lost. Lost in the wilderness. “How did I get here?” I would wonder. It all seemed to come out of nowhere.
I was doing ok for the most part. The adventure began pleasant enough. It was an easy road and the weather was mostly fair. But as the journey continued on there was something that ominously loomed on the horizon. It was here that things began to change. Perhaps I was afraid. I always have liked to pretend that I embrace the unknown, but no matter what front I may project, going into that unknown of what lied ahead scared the shit out of me.
It would have been helpful if I had known where I was going. I was expected to have it all figured out, or so I felt. But in reality I was making it all up as I went along. Traveling this road without any sort of plan. Had I known then that most people on this road have no idea what is going on maybe I would have been more at ease. As the great unknown on the horizon began to come closer, the stress began to exponentially build. While I certainly have my vices, I am not really one that succumbs to addictions, but if ever I were close to being an alcoholic, it would have begun in this period. I certainly did drink a lot in those days as I wandered the path. Old Jack Daniels No. 7 kept me going. It provided me with a release. I didn’t need it necessarily, but I liked it. In those days I learned that I seem to be a philosophical sort of drunk. Whiskey and wine seemed to have a way of freeing my mind and oddly focusing it in a creative sort of manner. It was during these nights that I discovered the Dreamer.
He was an odd sort of fellow, always lost in his own world. You could tell though that his mind is a wonderful place. Oh what it is to be him! As negative as anyone can be can be now and then, he always remained optimistic. “I have an incredible gift for hope”, he would say. He then talked of how this also could be a curse, however. But regardless, it is something incredible to view the world through his eyes. It is painful at times, but it is always beautiful.
“I am often misunderstood”, he once told me. He went on to lament, “I don’t think I have ever really met someone that understood me. My youngest sister comes close, and I am grateful for that, but it is still a lonely existence. I don’t even know if I really care if someone understands me, but I just wish people weren’t so suspicious of me.”
As I have observed it is true people like to question the motives of others. I understand this as a matter of practicality, but it has the unfortunate consequence of closing people off from one another. We all lie to each other. We all put up defenses. Unfortunately the world is such that this is needed, but it has become the default mode for many. I don’t blame anyone for this, but I don’t understand how as a society we got to this place. We as humans are an adversarial species. It’s far easier for us to hate than it is to love. The Dreamer will never understand this.