I never imagined I would ever find myself in such a place.¬† I hadn‚Äôt planned on it.¬† I just sort of stumbled upon it.¬† I suppose you could say I was at a crossroads of sorts, although I wasn‚Äôt sure I even knew where the road was.¬† I was lost.¬† Lost in the wilderness.¬† ‚ÄúHow did I get here?‚Äù I would wonder.¬† It all seemed to come out of nowhere.
I was doing ok for the most part.¬† The adventure began pleasant enough.¬† It was an easy road and the weather was mostly fair.¬† But as the journey continued on there was something that ominously loomed on the horizon.¬† It was here that things began to change.¬† Perhaps I was afraid.¬† I always have liked to pretend that I embrace the unknown, but no matter what front I may project, going into that unknown of what lied ahead scared the shit out of me.
It would have been helpful if I had known where I was going.¬† I was expected to have it all figured out, or so I felt.¬† But in reality I was making it all up as I went along.¬† Traveling this road without any sort of plan.¬† Had I known then that most people on this road have no idea what is going on maybe I would have been more at ease.¬† As the great unknown on the horizon began to come closer, the stress began to exponentially build.¬† While I certainly have my vices, I am not really one that succumbs to addictions, but if ever I were close to being an alcoholic, it would have begun in this period.¬† I certainly did drink a lot in those days as I wandered the path.¬† Old Jack Daniels No. 7 kept me going.¬† It provided me with a release.¬† I didn‚Äôt need it necessarily, but I liked it.¬† In those days I learned that I seem to be a philosophical sort of drunk.¬† Whiskey and wine seemed to have a way of freeing my mind and oddly focusing it in a creative sort of manner.¬† It was during these nights that I discovered the Dreamer.
He was an odd sort of fellow, always lost in his own world.¬† You could tell though that his mind is a wonderful place.¬† Oh what it is to be him!¬† As negative as anyone can be can be now and then, he always remained optimistic.¬† ‚ÄúI have an incredible gift for hope‚Äù, he would say.¬† He then talked of how this also could be a curse, however.¬† But regardless, it is something incredible to view the world through his eyes.¬† It is painful at times, but it is always beautiful.
‚ÄúI am often misunderstood‚Äù, he once told me.¬† He went on to lament, ‚ÄúI don‚Äôt think I have ever really met someone that understood me.¬† My youngest sister comes close, and I am grateful for that, but it is still a lonely existence.¬† I don‚Äôt even know if I really care if someone understands me, but I just wish people weren‚Äôt so suspicious of me.‚Äù
As I have observed it is true people like to question the motives of others.¬† I understand this as a matter of practicality, but it has the unfortunate consequence of closing people off from one another.¬† We all lie to each other.¬† We all put up defenses.¬† Unfortunately the world is such that this is needed, but it has become the default mode for many.¬† I don‚Äôt blame anyone for this, but I don‚Äôt understand how as a society we got to this place.¬† We as humans are an adversarial species.¬† It‚Äôs far easier for us to hate than it is to love.¬† The Dreamer will never understand this.